I don't cry..

That's what I told someone last night, I don't cry. But that's not true. At all.

In fact I do cry; a lot.

During the season finale of Gilmore Girls I remember choking back tears when Lorelai and Luke finally ended up together, WHENEVER I see a wedding (in person, pictures, or even on tv), in almost every episode of The Biggest Loser I get emotional, everytime I hear "Butterfly Kisses" by Bob Carlisle, on those lonely nights this year in England when all I wanted to do was be at home, I even remember after Siobhán and I saw "The Notebook" in theatres for the first time we had to wear oversized sunglasses for at least an hour after to hide our swollen, bloodshot eyes....trust me, I cry.

So why last night did I say I don't?

One thing I've noticed in particular is that no matter how much I WANT to cry, especially when saying goodbye, I can't. The only teary goodbye I can recall is last spring when I was saying goodbye to my roommates Phoebe and Catherine. And it was a blubbery, messy goodbye. But all the times my parents have dropped me off at Dickinson, bringing me to the airport in August, and again in January--my eyes would fill up, but nothing came out. I've had to say goodbye to somebody three times already since we met in September, and in those moments not a single tear rolled down my cheek.

Maybe subconsciously I feel the need to be strong. That I don't want to break down in front of the people closest to me so they don't have to worry about me. Vulnerability is scary. But the people who I hide my tears from are those in my life who know me better than anybody else.

I'm already vulnerable. Why not show emotion, show tears.

xo.
-A